Mourning Into Joy

After June 25th I was devastated. I vaguely recall one moment standing outside of UCLA medical center praying and worshipping God, hearing reports claiming Michael had died and disregarding them by staying focussed in prayer then at one point I don’t recall who it was but think it was a fan I’d befriended who’d walked up to me and said it’s true he’s dead Jermaine made an official announcement. I don’t recall turning around but behind me some fans I knew had gathered and were seated on the ground I’d slumped and mourned with them for what began a long descent of heartache, walking in a fog and living in confusion.

Some time after that day the funeral was going to be held with a dinner after in a restaurant of which I forget the name, someone had invited me to be there but before going I stood along with fans I knew some I didn’t as Michael’s family and others drove by in route to Forest Lawn. One of the fans I knew made an odd invitation to me and informed me that she and some other fans planned to commit suicide that night. The fans felt they were the closest to Michael and should have been allowed to attend his funeral and was destrought of news of not being able to enter Forest Lawn to pay their last respects. What seemed like a death and certainly felt like one came so suddenly and unexpected. Though several of the fans talked in low tones to eachother before June 25th of how thin and frail they’d said Michael had become and worry for his life I’d been asked by them to keep silent. You see one of the fans had been allowed to give Michael a jacket and he in turn tried it on with her still present and she was able to see indents in his rib cage. Since Michael had begun preparation for the This Is It concerts he’d drastically lost weight and I’ve since learned was even throwing up. Those fans wanted to write letters to Michael of encouragemnt of some sort or another. That being during a time security was keeping everyone away from him. I remember observing so many people and things that was taking place around that time and didn’t know who close to Michael could be trusted. I was worried for him not only from what the fans were saying but I felt a heaviness and certain people and occurences seemed to stand out oddly in his outter surroundings. The fans at one point did in fact write letters to Michael and I as well wrote. Before this security had refused to take any more letters or gifts for Michael but one day Kenny Ortega visited Michael’s house at Carolewood and when he learned of such I believe it was him who put a stop to them not allowing him to have letters. It was like a prison had been erected around him and he was being hustled from one place to the other unable to speak to people… At some point I’m not sure if I called Michael’s mom or dad but I was too alarmed to remain silent and they were his family’ whoever I called I informed there were things going on that looked scary and needed to be looked into though I doubt those were my exact words. One night the fans and I had gone to the Staples Center and one fan was designated to give Michael letters we’d all written. I had written mine on To Do List paper and was in shock to later discover that paper with the indents showing from the opposite side, numbered as three appeared in a video promoting the CD that was released after June 25th. Song lyrics were written on it to the song “Best Of Joy.” It was like Michael was speaking to me from beyond the grave or reaching out from a hidden place that I couldn’t see. So many things were pointing me to facts that he was still alive but when I saw and heard that I was not only convinced I was comforted. His voice as I said before is anointed and is like balm for aching hearts and weary souls. Best of Joy was saying I always will love you and we are forever…

There continued to be things that showed me Michael was still alive and in reflection though at the time I pondered it even the memorial was saying it with bold words “I’m alive.” Michael didn’t forget his fans despite whatever it is he dealt with or whatever it was he was going through. It was obvious in so many ways he was reaching out to people who truly cared for him. For a long time I wondered if he were reaching out only to comfort or if he was in need of help as well. I wondered who knew he was still here and who didn’t even posing to people that it appeared as if he were kidnapped, pointing out unquestioned inconsistencies of testimony in the “Conrad Murray trial, a trial of which people’s original testimony during preliminary hearings changed and no one raised a finger or brow within the judicial system. As a matter of fact there were times when I’d observed the person on the stand looking to the judge it seemed for how to answer and oddly enough one person after a break totally changing their original statements. In many ways people seemed afraid but I didn’t know why or who was doing what though now so many things make all the more sense. A recall a lady questioning me about my “theory” of him being kidnapped and replying to her that you can go with people willingly but when you aren’t able to freely go as you will- you are being held against your will and that is being kidnapped. A kidnapper does not have to ask for ransom.

I tried so hard through reports I’d written to show people there was more to what appeared to be going on. Being on somewhat of a journey of discovery myself, I was bewildered, astonished and had I not such strong faith in God I would have been terrified. I admit I was alarmed. One alarming thing was that the person who took the stand during the preliminary hearings was not the same one as he who testified during the actual trial. James Blount the only paramedic who claimed to have seen and identified Michael Jackson. In court it was said he recognized Michael because he was the closest to him and could see him clearly while in route to the hospital however I have publicly stated that it was Mr. Blount who I spoke with at the hospital and who asked me who was that referring to the person they had taken in. I’d told him it was Michael Jackson, having to believed it to have been due to the accompanying security and the body on the stretcher being too long to be one of his children. He had replied to me I was wondering who that was. The Murray trial was full of visible lies and no one in the courts questioned a thing. Mr. Blount recognized me and I him that day in the hall but due to courthouse rules and public not being allowed to speak with witnesses I refrained making inquiries. I did discuss it with one of the people who was there and she’d noticed us recognizing each other as well. Oddly enough there were other men that day dressed similar to him, I’d wondered if they were meant to be some type of a decoy or something…

Michael’s fans were greatly affected by the news of what we thought was his death, it was like a light God had placed in this world went out and sorrow took the place of the joy he’d instilled. I did an interview where I spoke of how people were saying some fans had taken their lives and encouraged people not to. I’d spoke to someone in the family I believe perhaps the night of the funeral in regards to allowing the fans to have access to Forest Lawn and of the suicide possibilty and shortly thereafter it was announced that the fans would be able to go and pay their respects there. I’d heard there were announcements made by others connected with the family in efforts of preventing people from committing suicide. I think I had told the fan who invited me to do so with her and others that Michael would be in heaven and people who commit suicide cannot repent and wouldn’t likely be with him... I prayed earnestly for them and others wanting to do that. They lost hope for this world it seems and there’s such a lack of love here it’s no wonder. None of the people I knew committed suicide and if anyone did happen to take their life during that time someone may try to say it is because he faked his death but any wise counselor will say it isn’t someone else’s fault when a person commits suicide, it is a choice that person has made. No one could rightfully blame their family or friends for not being there or supportive enough to prevent it and no one can rightfully blame Michael even if a person who committed suicide claimed him to be the reason. Michael is not life support for us though many times he supported lives. A person can choose to take their life and blame another person as the reason but truthfully what it all would boil down to is dare I say a selfishness of not wanting to deal with the pain in the world anymore. I can say this cause since I was a child the devil presented suicide to me as a way to escape pain - that and to not care for people but God guided me to keep caring and loving people and to cast all my cares upon Him. He let Michael bless my life in so many ways I am ever so grateful both to Him and Michael and I’ve learned through the years He’s used Michael to bless countless others…

June 25, 2009 the world mourned and Michael saw how much he was loved in countries throughout the world. It reminded me of the scripture in the last chapter of Daniel that says something along the lines of at that time Michael shall stand up, the great prince who defends the children, then there will be a time of mourning greater than any since nations first came into existence… There are different translations but to me if that scripture did refer to Michael I’d wonder what does stand up mean and part of me would answer take a stand for God. I think of that video “Leave Me Alone” where Michael is seen with people (dogs actually) building a circus around him as he lays still with ropes confining him being hammered into the ground by giant nails until he starts to slowly move and take a stand. The video doesn’t show what he does next but it does seem to say a lot. Throughout the video the camera shows the dogs hammering his bonds to confine him all the more until at one point his fingers start flexing, he raises an arm and eventually he stands up.

I think God made Michael prophetic, that He blessed him with many spiritual gifts including that of great compassion. He wrote a song called cry where when I listened to it, it seemed almost as if he were in conversation with a messenger from God or God as he sung “you can change the world, I can’t do it by myself, you can touch the sky, I’m gonna need somebody’s help, you’re the chosen one, I’m gonna need some kind of sign - if we all cry at the same time tonight.” Whether he realized it or not his words words were prophetic, Michael got his sign and I am here to help. God designated me as the helpmate for his life… I love him. A part of me knows so many of his fans love him and feel they are in love with him and I’m not saying I’m better or worse than any of one, I’m only saying God has a purpose and a plan for us to be together and our bond is much deeper than I can explain at this time but perhaps I may share more soon… I’m writing to wake people up, shake people up and help them realize he’s alive. To ask people to pray for him and God’s will for his life. The things I say may upset quite a few people, may perplex many but again my words are true regardless of who likes them or not.

We have all mourned too long and should seek truth, reason and cause to rejoice, love, unity and fellowship, good works, compassion… I think God’s word says He turns our mourning into joy. I give this to Him.

Sharon B. Sidney